The Possibility of True Love

   That perfect someone, your soul mate. The one you have dreamed of all your life. Is it utter magic? Is this the stuff of which dreams are made? Or is it all a myth, a cruel joke being played on us by the Hollywood marketing machine and sappy romance novels?
  
   Robert Epstein, editor of Psychology Today, recently caused quite a stir when he set out to vex the myth of romantic love. His goal is to enter into an agreement with someone for six months, during which time they put themselves through "various exercises . . . the goal being to fall deeply in love by the end of the contract period.

   "We teach our children, and especially our little girls that a knight in a shining sports car is going to drive up one day, awaken perfect passion with a magical kiss, and then drive the blessed couple down the road to Happily Ever After, a special place where no one ever changes," says Epstein. "Hollywood tells us that ‘the One’ is out there for everyone, so no one is willing to settle for Mr. or Ms. Two-Thirds. We want our relationships to be like our antidepressants -- perfect and effortless."

   The evidence backs his statement. According to Psychology Today, over 60 percent of world's marriages are arranged. These marriages have far lower divorce rates, and the couples often find themselves falling in love. In contrast, "romantic" marriages have a 57 percent failure rate, with even less promising statistics for second marriages.¹

   This topic was also dealt with in The Kreutzer Sonata by Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy (1828-1910) which opens as a third-person narrative by an anonymous gentleman making his way across Russia by train. When the conversation among the passengers turns to the subjects of sex, love, and marriage, a lawyer claims that many couples live long, content married lives. However, Pozdnyshev, another passenger, violently contradicts his statement and announces that he has murdered his wife in a jealous rage, a crime of which a jury had acquitted him. Citing that the deterioration of their marriage began on their honeymoon when they first began a sexual relationship, Pozdnyshev reveals himself as a man with an insane sexual obsession—he links sex with guilt, regards it as a 'fall' from an ideal purity, and describes sexual intercourse as a perverted thing. He tries to persuade his captive audience that all marriages are obscene shams, and that most cases of adultery are occasioned by music, the infamous aphrodisiac. This latter idea explains the title of the story, which is also a musical composition by Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827). Pozdnyshev explains the circumstances that led to his tragedy: after marrying a pretty woman who bore him children, he came to hate, but lust for his wife. One day a musician named Trukachevsky, accepting Pozdnyzhev's invitation to visit their house, accompanied Pozdnyshev's wife on the violin while she played the piano. Convinced that the pair were having an affair,

    Pozdnyshev went into the country to attend the meeting of the local council, often recalling the look on their faces as they played the "Kreutzer Sonata." He returned home early, thinking that he would find the lovers in bed and consequently kill them; instead he found them sitting in the drawing room after they had played some music. Enraged nevertheless, Pozdnyshev killed his wife after Trukachevsky had escaped.²

    The idea of arranged marriages, which was one of the topics discussed on this train ride, is completely foreign to most people in the Western world; however, it is quite common to many cultures throughout the world and according to Robert Epstein it has a very high success rate.  While I am not necessarily advocating the idea of marriage, I do not believe that the “fairy tale” image of marriage is entirely accurate either. 

    It is important to keep in mind that one of the major influences impacting this novella was Lev Tolstoy’s religious belief which advocated celibacy rather than marriage as being virtuous.  In an essay entitled “The Lesson of The Kreutzer Sonata”, Tolstoy explains his view of the subject matter. Regarding carnal love and a spiritual, Christian life, he points out that not Christ, but the Church (which he despised and which in turn excommunicated him) instituted marriage. "The Christian's ideal is love of God and his neighbor, self-renunciation in order to serve God and his neighbor; carnal love – marriage – means serving oneself, and therefore is, in any case, a hindrance in the service of God and men".³

   When Tolstoy wrote this novella, he had been married for many years and had several children.  How did his wife, Sophia Andreyevna, feel about it?  "You are harassing and killing yourself," she wrote him on April 19, 1889, at Yasnaya Polyana (Tolstoy’s estate). "I...have been thinking: he does not eat meat, nor smoke, he works beyond his strength, his brain is not nourished, hence the drowsiness and weakness. How stupid vegetarianism is....Kill life in yourself, kill all impulses of the flesh, all its needs -- why not kill yourself altogether? After all you are committing yourself to *slow* death, what's the difference?"⁴  

    What is meant by true love?  If we mean that a person must surrender their own identity and simply serve the needs of their husband or wife in order to make sure that he or she is always happy, I am not sure that this is true love. People are constantly changing and evolving, so it is unrealistic to expect that someone can simply give up their identity and individuality in order to serve someone else.  I believe this is one of the problems that Anna Karenina experienced in her marriage and this led to her relationship with Count Vronsky.

    However, if we mean that two people work together as a team and continue to grow together instead of growing apart, I believe that true love is possible.  One of the challenges that many people face is the “fairy tale” understanding of relationships where everyone always lives happily ever after.  One of the most famous lines from the movie, “Love Story” was “love means never having to say you’re sorry.”  There are very few people for whom this would be understood as one of the definitions of love. 

    While everyone may not experience true love in their lives, does this mean that true love is not possible?  The Kreutzer Sonata would not be ideal reading for someone who is a hopeless romantic, but the issues which Tolstoy deals with in this novella have been addressed by countless people throughout the centuries. 

                                                     End Notes

1)     GinaMarie Jerome “Is True Love a Myth?” http://www.thirdage.com/relationships-love/is-true-love-a-myth (posted 7/11/2008, accessed 9/5/2012)

2)     Lev Tolstoy, “The Kreutzer Sonata” http://www.enotes.com/kreutzer-sonata-criticism/kreutzer-sonata-leo-tolstoy (accessed 9/5/2012)

3)     Lev Tolstoy “The Lesson of the Kreutzer Sonata” http://www.online-literature.com/tolstoy/kreutzer-sonata/29/ (accessed 9/5/2012)

4)     Aleksandra Tolstoya “Tolstoy: A Life of My Father” http://great-authors.albertarose.org/leo_tolstoy/ATolstaya.htm (accessed 9/5/2012)

Viewing a Relationship from the Outside

   In Anna Karenina, Lev Tolstoy (1828-1910) stated that “every family is happy in its own way and every family is unhappy in its own way.” 1 This is a very true statement.  It is very difficult for people to understand a family or a marital relationship from the outside. 
    It is not uncommon for people to see a couple and wonder, “Why are they together?” A variety of things bring two people together.  In some cases it is love, in some cases it is money, and in some cases it is a connection which no one else may ever understand. 
   The topic of relationships has been written about by numerous people and has been examined from various standpoints, such as anthropology, religion, culture, and others.  Relationships is one of the main themes in Ivanov, a play by Anton Pavlovich Chekhov (1860-1904) which was first produced in 1887 at the Korsh Theater in Moscow. 
   The basic premise of the play is quite simple.  Nikolai Ivanov is a young estate-owner, heavily in debt, especially to Zinaida Lebedev, the wife of the head of the District Council. Ivanov used to be energetic, creative, and unconventional, the "star" of the local gentry. He married for love--a Jewish woman, Anna, whose parents disowned her after she converted to Russian Orthodoxy in order to marry Nikolai. Anna is totally devoted to him; however, Ivanov is suffering from profound depression.
    It seems to him that all his good ideas (like building a school for the poor) were for naught and he has become a "superfluous man." He spends every evening socializing at the Lebedev estate, even though he knows how this hurts his wife. Doctor Lvov, Anna's physician, is a humorless and terminally sincere young man who has no insight into Ivanov's depression.
   One night Anna gets fed up and follows her husband to the Lebedev house, where she discovers Ivanov kissing the Lebedevs' daughter, Sasha, who is hopelessly in love with Ivanov, although he doesn't reciprocate her affection. Some weeks later Anna's illness (tuberculosis) has gotten worse. Lvov condemns Ivanov for his lack of concern regarding Anna’s health.  The doctor suggests that Ivanov sent Anna to Crimea in order to get the help she needs, but he refuses to pay for the trip because he owes money to several people. After Anna dies, Ivanov and Sasha are set to be married, but at the last minute he cannot go through with it. At the end of the play Ivanov is confronted by several people who challenge him to a duel because they believe that he is marrying Sasha for the sole reason that he can get her dowry.  Instead of dueling, he retrieves a gun from one of his serfs and commits suicide. 2
    Looking at this relationship between Anna and Ivanov, it is difficult for us to understand how he can have such little regard for her health.  We do not know what is going on between them so we come to the conclusion that he is a cold and uncaring man.  However, we must keep in mind that his depression would make it difficult to think about anyone, but himself. 
    Had he married Sasha, it is possible that he would not be the same way with her as he was with Anna.  Severe depression makes it difficult for someone to enter into a healthy relationship; however, if the right person comes along he or she can be a wonderful source of support which can encourage the depressed person to get the help they need.
    This is a very challenging play since it speaks to us on many levels.  Not only is the play dealing with the relationship between Anna and Ivanov and eventually between Ivanov and Sasha, it is also a deeply political play which is addressing many of the issues which were facing low level bureaucrats in late 19th Century Russia.  The issue of bureaucracy was also discussed by Nikolai Gogol (1809-1852) and various other authors. 
    As with all Russian plays or stories, the use of surnames, especially men’s names, is very important.  The fact that Chekov chose the name “Ivanov” for his main character is significant.  Ivanov is the most popular surname in Russia and Ukraine, so there is a strong indication that Chekov was speaking to everyone, not use a chosen few.  In 1939, Frank Capra (1897-1991) produced a film entitled Mr. Smith Goes to Washington 3 which starred James Stewart (1908-1997) as the main character.  This film dealt with the impact of one man on American politics.  The name “Smith” is as popular in the US as “Ivanov” is in Russia and Ukraine.
    Relationships are always difficult to write about; however, Chekov does a wonderful job of giving us insight into this particular relationship.  If someone was writing a play or story about your relationship, what would they say?  You might be surprised to read what an outsider would say about your relationship. 
                                                       End Notes
1) "Anna Karenina" http://www.literature.org/authors/tolstoy-leo/anna-karenina/part-01/chapter-01.html (accesse 5/24/12)
2) “Ivanov” http://litmed.med.nyu.edu/Annotation?action=view&annid=1139 (accessed 5/24/12)
3) “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Smith_Goes_to_Washington  (accessed 5/24/12)