Robert Epstein, editor of Psychology Today, recently caused quite a stir when he set out to vex the myth of romantic love. His goal is to enter into an agreement with someone for six months, during which time they put themselves through "various exercises . . . the goal being to fall deeply in love by the end of the contract period.
"We teach our children, and especially our little girls that a
knight in a shining sports car is going to drive up one day, awaken perfect
passion with a magical kiss, and then drive the blessed couple down the road to
Happily Ever After, a special place where no one ever changes," says
Epstein. "Hollywood tells us that ‘the One’ is out there for everyone, so
no one is willing to settle for Mr. or Ms. Two-Thirds. We want our
relationships to be like our antidepressants -- perfect and effortless."
The evidence backs his
statement. According to Psychology Today,
over 60 percent of world's marriages are arranged. These marriages have far
lower divorce rates, and the couples often find themselves falling in love. In
contrast, "romantic" marriages have a 57 percent failure rate, with
even less promising statistics for second marriages.1
This topic was also dealt with in The Kreutzer Sonata by Lev Nikolayevich
Tolstoy (1828-1910) which opens as a third-person narrative by an anonymous
gentleman making his way across Russia by train. When the conversation among
the passengers turns to the subjects of sex, love, and marriage, a lawyer
claims that many couples live long, content married lives. However, Pozdnyshev,
another passenger, violently contradicts his statement and announces that he
has murdered his wife in a jealous rage, a crime of which a jury had acquitted
him. Citing that the deterioration of their marriage began on their honeymoon
when they first began a sexual relationship, Pozdnyshev reveals himself as a
man with an insane sexual obsession—he links sex with guilt, regards it as a
'fall' from an ideal purity, and describes sexual intercourse as a perverted
thing. He tries to persuade his captive audience that all marriages are obscene
shams, and that most cases of adultery are occasioned by music, the infamous
aphrodisiac. This latter idea explains the title of the story, which is also a
musical composition by Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827). Pozdnyshev explains
the circumstances that led to his tragedy: after marrying a pretty woman who
bore him children, he came to hate, but lust for his wife. One day a musician
named Trukachevsky, accepting Pozdnyzhev's invitation to visit their house,
accompanied Pozdnyshev's wife on the violin while she played the piano.
Convinced that the pair were having an affair,
Pozdnyshev went
into the country to attend the meeting of the local council, often recalling
the look on their faces as they played the "Kreutzer Sonata." He
returned home early, thinking that he would find the lovers in bed and
consequently kill them; instead he found them sitting in the drawing room after
they had played some music. Enraged nevertheless, Pozdnyshev killed his wife
after Trukachevsky had escaped.2
The idea of arranged marriages, which was
one of the topics discussed on this train ride, is completely foreign to most
people in the Western world; however, it is quite common to many cultures
throughout the world and according to Robert Epstein it has a very high success
rate. While I am not necessarily
advocating the idea of marriage, I do not believe that the “fairy tale” image
of marriage is entirely accurate either.
It is important to keep in mind that one of
the major influences impacting this novella was Lev Tolstoy’s religious belief
which advocated celibacy rather than marriage as being virtuous. In an essay entitled “The Lesson of The Kreutzer Sonata”,
Tolstoy explains his view of the subject matter. Regarding carnal love and a
spiritual, Christian life, he points out that not Christ, but the Church (which
he despised and which in turn excommunicated him) instituted marriage.
"The Christian's ideal is love of God and his neighbor, self-renunciation
in order to serve God and his neighbor; carnal love – marriage – means serving
oneself, and therefore is, in any case, a hindrance in the service of God and
men".3
When Tolstoy wrote this novella, he had been
married for many years and had several children. How did his wife, Sophia
Andreyevna, feel about it? "You are harassing and killing yourself," she
wrote him on April 19, 1889, at Yasnaya Polyana (Tolstoy’s estate).
"I...have been thinking: he does not eat meat, nor smoke, he works beyond
his strength, his brain is not nourished, hence the drowsiness and weakness.
How stupid vegetarianism is....Kill life in yourself, kill all impulses of the
flesh, all its needs -- why not kill yourself altogether? After all you are
committing yourself to *slow* death, what's the difference?"4
What is meant by true love? If we mean that a person must surrender their
own identity and simply serve the needs of their husband or wife in order to
make sure that he or she is always happy, I am not sure that this is true love.
People are constantly changing and evolving, so it is unrealistic to expect
that someone can simply give up their identity and individuality in order to
serve someone else. I believe this is
one of the problems that Anna Karenina experienced in her marriage and this led
to her relationship with Count Vronsky.
However, if we mean that two people work together
as a team and continue to grow together instead of growing apart, I believe
that true love is possible. One of the
challenges that many people face is the “fairy tale” understanding of relationships
where everyone always lives happily ever after.
One of the most famous lines from the movie, “Love Story” was “love
means never having to say you’re sorry.”
There are very few people for whom this would be understood as one of
the definitions of love.
While everyone may not experience true love
in their lives, does this mean that true love is not possible? The
Kreutzer Sonata would not be ideal reading for someone who is a hopeless
romantic, but the issues which Tolstoy deals with in this novella have been
addressed by countless people throughout the centuries.
End
Notes
1) GinaMarie Jerome “Is True Love a
Myth?” http://www.thirdage.com/relationships-love/is-true-love-a-myth
(posted 7/11/2008, accessed 9/5/2012)
2) Lev Tolstoy, “The Kreutzer Sonata” http://www.enotes.com/kreutzer-sonata-criticism/kreutzer-sonata-leo-tolstoy
(accessed 9/5/2012)
3) Lev Tolstoy “The Lesson of the
Kreutzer Sonata” http://www.online-literature.com/tolstoy/kreutzer-sonata/29/
(accessed 9/5/2012)
4) Aleksandra
Tolstoya “Tolstoy: A Life of My Father” http://great-authors.albertarose.org/leo_tolstoy/ATolstaya.htm
(accessed 9/5/2012)
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